… From a Totally Different Life!
That thought can scare one into a freezing OMG mode – and do nothing at all.
What if I do it wrong = FAIL.
What if I make a mistake.
What will people think of me?
I don’t know the outcome.
I’m not strong enough.
_______ (Someone) won’t like it – they will be offended – it will hurt their feelings.
I’m afraid of what they will do.
I’m not brave enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not strong enough.
I don’t know how.
I’m too old.
I don’t have enough experience.
Sometimes, this is my brain …. Maybe your brain (a little bit?), too?? I mean, I can get going on that hamster wheel and spin, going nowhere with the best of ‘them’ – whoever they are.
I know when I’m spinning. I can feel its energy all through my body, when I spin. My breathing is shallow, heart rate UP, flushed face, stomach swirreling … sometimes, my brain goes b-l-a-n-k, sometimes scenarios flash in milla-seconds.
Now-a-days, I stop. I breathe. I observe myself. I observe the situation.
I look at my life. I’ve gone through fear and I’m still here, stronger and wiser than I ever imagined!
Made mistakes/Did it wrong (Who is perfect??) = What did I learn? = Wisdom for the next time.
Making decisions is BRAVE.
Making decisions MOVES US from where we are to … Somewhere Different. In that Somewhere Different, we find out how strong we are, how capable we are, we learn new ways of doing things, we think different thoughts, we meet new people along the way. Our world gets bigger and it’s really quite exciting.
In that bravery, we are being true to ourselves. We are free to be who we are – regardless of what other people think of us, or how hurt they might be, or how their life will also change – because it will.
LIFE IS CHANGE.
Is it easy?
Is it worth it?
My Encouragement to You: It’s ok to have a different life, if you are not happy with how life is going. Where is Life taking you? Honor yourself. Honor your path in Life. Give yourself permission to be brave (you’re braver than you know). Give yourself permission to explore where your Spirit/God is prompting you to go. Your gut is one way Spirit/God talks to you. Listen. It’s one step. One decision to do one thing differently. Big or small … you grow. Tears and strength and WOW.
Every decision I’ve made, I’ve learned from. I believe with all my heart – you will, too!
I think I’m morphing into my Wise Old Crone phase!
The Blessings Continue For All Of Us …
Christmas Eve had arrived. My snow village was up, and the tree lit, with hopes of Christmas magic. Holiday music was playing on the CD player. The Advent wreath had all four candles glowing. Smells of a home cooked meal lingered. Drapes were drawn, bringing a safe, cozy-nest feeling in the living room.
I was home. Alone. My choice. It was a good choice, despite my Mom insisting it wasn’t. My three boys were with their Dad, and darling daughter was enjoying Christmas with her new husband. Some of my siblings and their families were piled up at the folks. I stayed home to breathe.
It was the three-month marker following a four-year tumultuous path to divorce. My daughter and three sons had made it through the terrain of ups and downs, with their own medals of fortitude, grit and resilience. Only time would unfold the layers of scarred pain and the healing needed through love, forgiveness and, for me, the gift of faith.
It was the first time in forty-two years, I would be alone for Christmas. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine such a thing – ever. Life has a way of happening. Life shook me to the very core of my being, leaving me questioning love, life itself, and the depths of my belief in a church filled with rules and judgement that were becoming unbearable. Good church people – yes, and heart-filled gratitude for them, for they helped keep me sane when I felt insane and loved me when I felt unlovable. Bad church people – yes, in their gossip and judgments and keepers of the rules. I was so grateful they were NOT the God I wrapped my faith around. The God, who, in spite of everything, I rested in, prayed and listened to – and yelled and screamed at, in my darkest days and weeks and months – only to once again rest in … when I finally learned to be still and listen.
I wasn’t going to church that Christmas Eve, even with the admonishment received from a very well-meaning and fear-of-the-devil, Mom. I was staying home. I needed to let this holy night, melt into me. I pictured the bravery, fear, persistence, compassion and love Mary and Joseph experienced in the story of their baby, Jesus, being born. Theirs was not an easy journey, at all. They did it one step at a time. One leg of a journey, and then another. They asked for help. It was given. They were not alone. They had each other, but I imagine, it was a long and lonely journey for them. I like to think, their companion was faith, being true to what God was guiding them to do, despite obstacles.
For a while that night, I reflected on my last four years. I wished I would have quieted myself and listened to God sooner. I hadn’t wanted to believe what was true. Our marriage was over. My husband was leaving. He was finally being true to himself, while I fought, argued, begged, prayed and fasted for a miracle that was never going to happen. I was my biggest obstacle in moving on with life. The story I was telling myself wasn’t true. The story was mixed up with rules, and teachings of a church and some of society that didn’t honor him, as a gay man. God didn’t make a mistake. We made mistakes in how we were handling a really hard situation.
Fear was anchoring us all, deeply. Fear on so many levels. For a long time, it ruled us. Emotionally, we were all taking a beating we didn’t know how to handle, but we moved ahead, as best we could. I asked for help, knowing I could not do life without it. I got it. I was not alone. The younger boys went to counseling. The youngest got a Kinship partner, who, with his wife, created a vision for my son on what a happy marriage looked like, he was only 6 when life turned upside down. With the help of a friend, who went with me to the doctor, I dealt with depression and thoughts of suicide. I got into counseling. I went through a Co-Dependency Program – twice, the first time, didn’t stick. I went to Al-Anon. I left a church filled with judgement and rules I could not follow, nor embrace anymore. I took off my rose-colored glasses and saw Truth and Life as it really was. Faith was my quiet companion, present, in the darkest dark and the dawn of days. God never left.
So, that first, quiet, Christmas Eve night I spent alone, was hard, necessary and desperately needed. Nestled in the quiet softness of the night, I could feel a flicker and then, a glow in my heart. Faith was present. God was present. Unexpectedly, forgiveness began to seep into every round edge and corner of my being. I forgave myself for being such a crappy Mom and began to see a Mom who really tried and didn’t give up. I let tears flow and forgave their Dad. Like me, he traveled mountains and came through, true to himself. The gift of time has been a friend through the years. It has taken lots time and lots of years, for a friendship between the two of us, to rekindle. And it has. Thankfully, our kids have their unique love for both of us, too.
It was a magical Christmas Eve. It was a blessing. It was a new beginning filled with bravery, compassion, persistence and love for life, my children, my future and myself. Wisdom was present because of lessons I learned and experienced … wrapped in the gift of faith, and a gentle glow of peace and joy.
My Encouragement to You:
Ask for help when you need help. Even if it’s scary – be brave and do it. Trust your gut, it won’t steer you wrong. I would have enjoyed life sooner, if I would have trusted my gut.
I know it’s hard, but … let go of what other people think of you. Your priority is you. Do what you have to do, to get healthy and strong. I didn’t want people to know the secret I was living with. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want to feel anger or fear … and I experienced all of it. I pretended, I stuffed, I ignored and denied the stanch presence of Truth because of what others might think. Pretending everything is ok, only hurts the pretender … and really doesn’t fool anyone. That energy is felt by those who love you. Love your incredible self and take care of you. You will have people in your life who will help. Don’t let pride get in the way, like it got in mine. Let it go, in order to move forward.
Forgive. It’s a big deal. Forgiveness is for you. It’s a huge part of healing. It’s a gift to yourself. Even if you have to do it over and over again. Forgive.
Let time be your friend. Life is a journey through time. Every choice creates a lesson learned, a nugget of wisdom – a yay or a nay. Thankfully, life is filled with practicing moments and days and years. It’s how we become wise!
If you can, embrace the gift of faith. For me, God is that gift. A quiet knowing that in the whole big picture, I am not alone. Thank goodness. It is my wish for you.
Blessings and Love …
Being Me. Life. Stories. Lessons. Awareness. Faith. Denial. Heartache. Truth. Wisdom. Love.
Most of us have been fortunate to be on the receiving end of kind, supportive, loving touch. Perhaps a childhood memory of a kiss or a hug after falling down and getting hurt. Or the shoulder touched in giving support, or a warm hug of understanding, maybe a squeeze on the knee. Your hand, held.
No words needed.
It was perhaps, the briefest of moments.
Compassion. Love. Presence.
Receiving support. Not needing to understand or explain.
In that moment … you softened, your heart slowed down, maybe you were able to take some deep, needed breaths.
You were seen.
You were not alone.
Touch is healing.
We feel the energy from someone’s touch. It can be powerful, as much as it can be gentle. They are giving. We are receiving.
It’s vulnerable to receive.
It’s a gift we give ourselves. Allowing ourselves time to soak up some kindness offered, some compassion given. That loving touch accepts us, our authentic selves, no matter how messy, scared, snotty, angry or hurt we are.
It helps us heal.
Pure and simple.
Kind. Compassionate. Loving. Touch …
My encouragement to you: At one time or another, you will be on the giving – or receiving end of healing touch. Simply be present in the moment, either way. I believe it’s the connection of Spirit that brings us together. To support, accept, to strengthen and to breathe in the blessings given in the moment.
Blessings and Love,
I am an Energy Worker in Brainerd, Minnesota. For nearly 30 years, I have had the honor of being present with clients and their healing experiences through healing touch.
A Nurturing Chair
Filled with compassion, healing energy and Love.
I am an Energy Worker.
Holding a space for people to …
be vulnerable …
be real …
be their calm/holding it together selves …
be their messy-life selves …
be their stressed-out-to-the-max selves …
be their sad and scared selves …
be their angry selves …
be … exactly who they are.
No judgement here.
This chair holds sadness, fear, hopes and dreams. It is a pathway to self-worth, self-care and self-love. It opens a door to understanding, forgiveness and healing … and hope.
#1 – A husband has died in the mid-night hours. His wife called to see if I had anytime later the following morning to see her, after the funeral-home details were dealt with. Coming in, would fill her up enough to deal with the days ahead. She came in. Trying to hold it all together. Be strong. Afraid to feel too deeply, or she’d never stop crying, the dam would burst. She didn’t want people to see her ‘not in control’.
The dam needed to burst. It did. A torrent of emotions poured out of her …
so darn vulnerable …
After the emotional flow released … she was able to ebb one minute at a time. Breathing and getting through the days and weeks ahead.
She asked, and gave herself permission to receive in the following weeks and months …
She did not have to walk this walk alone.
This chair, holds each person sacred. I hold them in Light and Love.
The story continues …
Thank you for joining me on the journey! Share with others if this resonates with you.
Details on my Energy Work Here.
Me, in the middle of two of my 5 brothers.
Patrick is on the left … Rick is on the right (He died last week).
Right now, things are still pretty emotional. My brother, Rick has died. There are so many layers to this … I’m not getting into it all right now. And it’s ok. Ask me questions, if you like … death is a topic we usually don’t ‘go there’ on … until it is blanketing us with reality and truth. I’d appreciate your thoughts … how do you ‘do’ death?
Death is the circle of Life as we know it … here. On earth.
There’s a whole n’other realm of Life, that we have yet to experience … when we cross over and die. If you’ve been following my blog, you’re familiar with my first experience of ‘quiet knowing’, when my sister, Anna died. And then my Mom and Dad … I haven’t even gotten into sharing about Tim, my second brother, who passed 2 years ago. Because, emotionally, it’s hard to bring things back up to the surface … even when there’s peace. Those emotions are still felt. It’s because of Love. It’s because we.are.connected. Here – on earth AND on the ‘Other Side’. (Whatever you want to call it).
Last weekend, the weekend after Rick died, Fambly from the Minneapolis/St. Paul metro area, circled together for a ‘Debbie Sleepover’ in my little cottage house, up north. We’re mighty good at this circling together thing, for which I am so grateful for. We decided we were going to celebrate Rick = Celebrate LIFE. In part of our conversations, I brought up the question of how Rick was going to connect with us … what was his sign going to be? I think some of my Fambly think I’m a bit goofy with this sign stuff, but I really believe in what Anna, the folks and Tim have given in their ways to say ‘Hello’.
So … we’re out listening to the band, Montana Moon at Dennis Drummond Wine Company and they play a Johnny Cash song, Folsum Prison Blues. My brother, Patrick and I look at each other, smile, and say, ‘RICK’!!! He played drums and harmonica’s with his band, The Gull Dam Jammers, back in the day. After a bit, we left to spend time at Roundhouse Brewery. It’s a favorite stop for my metro Fambly. A band was playing way beyond their time … the last song they played … Flosum Prison Blues!! We all cheered, ‘RICK’!!! (The same song, within 45 minutes, from 2 entirely different bands, in 2 different venues!) A few days later, my son and his family are moving back to the area. Without knowing the story … My grandson is wearing a Tee-Shirt … A Johnny Cash Tee-Shirt …. (I can’t help it, I’m smiling!) …
… and my Sister-in-law, text me today … when she walked into work … they were playing Johnny Cash …
So … Thanks, Rick … we hear you loud and clear …
And Johnny Cash … THANK YOU!! What a way you’ve brought us together … and made our Fambly smile!
When I was 4 and a Princess!
I’m sharing about Dreaming BIG. Acknowledging fear, having faith and trust in Spirit/God/Universe. The immensity of it, is lost on me. Toss in a bit of synchronicity, intuition and prayer … Wow, dreams do come true.
Let me take you back to when I was 4 years old.
My Daddy-o had come up to say goodnight to his Princess (me!). He was about to make a dream come true, but I didn’t know it, yet, and he didn’t either.
My Daddy-o told me, he had a new job in a new town and we, our little Fambly, with Mom, Ricky and Timmy, were going to move. I started to cry – I didn’t want to move! I loved the attic bedroom he and Mom had painted with life-sized Goofy, Donald Duck, Micky & Minnie Mouse dancing on the walls. My Grandma Marie lived close by and she would drive me in her fancy black car with red interior and magic windows to get my very own A&W Root Beer, in just my size mug. Daddy-o was trying to reassure me as my tears and sobbing were rather dramatic. Poor guy! Being 4 and his Princess, I gulped and caught my breath. I stopped crying, and said, rather firmly – I would go if he found me a purple house … reassuring myself, we would stay happily at home surrounded by my Disney friends …
… well … he found it!
It was a purple/violet stucco house with a round charming window. I.am.not.kidding! Prayer answered for him … and an affirmation he really was on the right path in moving his little Fambly up north to Brainerd, Minnesota. He came home, picked me up and twirled me. He let me know, yes, indeed we were moving – to a purple little house!
It was my very first dream come true! It set me up for believing at a very early age.
I shared Dream #1 and #2 in my past blog.
Now we’re onto Dream #3 …
My little cottage house filled with light and love.
It was hard living in my apartment after the folks died. Their house was right across the yard. It was convenient while we were adjusting to the change of them being gone and getting it ready to sell after they had passed. When all was said and done – I was ready for change. I missed a yard. I missed campfires, I missed having a house. I wrote in my journal about it. I drew a picture of what I dreamed in a perfect little house for me. It was a pencil drawing and included:
- Facing East-West – Still love the morning sun and the evening sunsets.
- Short, flat driveway.
- Rambler – With only 1 step up.
- No basement.
- Clothes line.
- Back yard campfire space.
- Trees & flowers.
- Clean gutters from a 6′ step ladder.
- Clean windows without a ladder!
- 2 bedrooms, so I could do my massage business out of my home – no more renting offices.
- A garage.
With dreams, I listen to the nudges of Spirit/God and I have to do the work. I was going to see a loan officer about a house. I took a breath and allowed for vulnerability to ride with me – not easy – breathe – but real. Seeing what I was paying in rent for apartment and office, I was given the ok to look for a place – With the expectation it would take a while … Hmmmm!
Well … With my Realtor, Liz Timothy at my side, and brother, Rick, who used to do house inspections and another brother, Jake and friend, Leslie – in tow – I wasn’t doing this alone – We set out looking, and looking …
We found it! I hoped we had – breathe! It was the little house I had drawn – the only exception was – the garage was attached – sweet bonus! After confirming with the Credit Union – Affinity Plus, and prayers AND talking to my Angels, I went in with an offer for them (and I also asked for the wheelbarrow and the clothespin bag.)
I was anxious. Hopeful. Tried not to get excited. Waiting is awful, isn’t it? I asked Spirit/God and my Angels to please give me a sign to let me know how this deal was going.
Then, I ran an errand.
Driving past the Post Office, I saw a license plate with the name ‘Hazel‘ on it. For real. It was Hazel’s house I wanted to buy! I continued to my office to see a client. While I was waiting, I opened a magazine skimmed to the middle of page, middle paragraph and the line said, ‘my Grandma Hazel …’! My heart was smiling – so was I. I called Liz and asked if Hazel was still here, alive, or had she passed? She had crossed over a couple of months earlier. Hazel was letting me know – she was supporting me in getting her house! A few days later, her family accepted my offer and agreed to my requests.
I picked Summer Solstice as my closing date … The moonlight was on my pillow that night!
My little cottage house is a beckon of light and love. It is a blessing to me and everyone who crosses the threshold.
My encouragement to you: Dream. Imagine. Ask Spirit/God/Universe to support you for your highest good. Listen to the Whispers of Spirit. Do the work. Gather information. Journal. Meditate. Draw pictures. Create collages. Trust. Breathe. Be grateful for the people around you who support you. Don’t worry about the ones who don’t. Ask for help when you need it. Take a break. Breathe some more. Know you are being guided and you are loved. You are not alone. Spirit/God is near. Always.
Thanks for sharing this journey with me! If you have enjoyed this post, please ‘Like’ it and share with others. I am an Energy Worker and Intuitive Listener and Guide – no matter how near or far you are – I’m sending you light and peace!